Boyfriend & I on vacation
So on the left is me August 2008. On the right is me June 2013. I was always the curvey girl, but during my junior year of high school I got into a controlling relationship, where my boyfriend kept me to himself. I stopped seeing friends, and wasn’t allowed to continue playing three sports a year & became very depressed. Along with other issues I graduated high school at my biggest. I weighed 296 lbs. yes, that’s a whole lot of senior. I had always been part of the popular crowd but always felt too insecure and sat things out. I felt not only trapped in my relationship but my body as well. I left the dirtbag & began working out. I started losing weight. I began dancing at clubs and that helped but it only lasted for a little bit before my weightloss would come to a screeching hault. Besides feeling disgusting and absolutely hating myself my sleep apnea was getting worse. I’d wake up all night from stopping breathing. My joints hurt & I hated life. After months & months of doctors discussing gastric bypass surgery I gave in and went to a seminar. I sat there with a hundred other over weight people looking for help. It’s a serious surgery that alters your body and is dangerous with pages of complications. I wasn’t scared, I was more scared to spend my life overweight.. Getting bigger. I signed up and started the 6 month process. I had to meet therapists, have tests.. Blood work, meetings with nutritionists, and had to be on strict diet to lose 30 lbs by my surgery date. I was so excited.. Just ready to be healthy.. Happy. I didn’t realize how hard it would be.. Or how much hate people would throw at me. My friends turned on me. People accused me of having every surgery.. Doing drugs, calling me a slut because guys began talking to me more or linking my pictures. It was hard. I had to workout daily change my eating. Everyone thinks its the easy way out or I was lazy but it was just a stepping stone. Besides all of that I became sick. I had two emergency surgeries, one of which I almost died from. My stomach tore apart from my organs and then my fall bladder rotted out. Besides that the constant throwing up, hair loss.. Inability to feel good everyday. On top of that I found out I have Crohn’s disease and am anemic. All my organs aren’t working correctly, I don’t eat much nor can I when I’m actually hungry. I’m weak, I pass out.. I can’t work anymore. I lost weight but I’m too sick to enjoy it. I realized nobody’s been in my shoes and there words no longer affect me. Today I weigh 156lbs and that’s fine ! I’ve accomplished so much, am fighting a crohnic, life long progressive disease and am still smiling. I will continue to.
The best way to get a bikini body is to put a damn bikini on & not give a fuck !
When everything’s changed, you’ve lost control & your worlds upside down when is it time to let go ?
I’m fighting for my life & now for you ?
I’ve earned the right to be moody, to bitch a little. When you’ve walked in my shoes, you will too.
Im scared that my health will be unpredictable for the rest of my life, terrified really.
I can’t handle carrying around this baggage sometimes, I know I can do this - I just wish I could at least be granted a break once in a while. I need everything to be okay, just for a little bit right now at least.
I went from being a free spirited, full of energy, life of the party, independent girl with two jobs, a brand new car & took on life by the horns. I have spent the last three years suffering.. Between emergency surgeries, hospitalizations, loss of hair, throwing up & constant trips to the toilet i slowly got worse. I was finally diagnosed in January with Crohns Disease.
If you would like the dirty truth to what crohns does, what it causes or the possible complications feel free too Google I will personally tell how how crohns has affected myself.
Besides the insane amounts of pain i feel all through out my digestive tract, accompanied by throwing up, constipation & diarrhea. Everyday i have constant pain, but i get these episodes where its so intense i end up on all fours, in the fetal position shaking and usually end up in the emergency room.
I experience all of the above DAILY, along with loss of hair, no appetite, dehydration, malnutrition, pale skin, yellowing eyes, no energy, weight loss, joint pain and weakening bones. I constantly find new bruises on my body, i get dizzy spells and fall down, i don’t sleep at night & in order too i have to take sleeping pills.. i currently take over 13 pills a day. I’m refused actual pain medicine because its not good for our digestion tract. So from getting crohns it has completely made the littlest things hard for me. I can no longer work, let alone leave the house most days. I had to sign my car over to my mom.. and need help with everything. I get over tired just going to dr appts. Unfortunately i have a specialist who wont see me directly, and instead of checking for worsening in my intestines he just tries new meds, or tells me its normal. I feel like im slowly dying.. i cant get out bed most days, i can exercise.. i barely eat.. i go to the emergency room 2x a week sometimes.. I look disgusting.. yes im losing more weight, but its weight from around my bones, my joints… all my muscles. Im in constant pain, and cant even walk through walmart without stopping to rest. I went from being so happy and independent to the complete opposite. I live in constant fear that each “episode of pain” is more serious than the last, and my specialist isnt going to help me.
Last fall, i began a relationship with my boyfriend. It was right around the time i started getting really sick, that it was affecting my work. Since he walked into my life, he’s been there through it all.. Emotional support, loving me.. and financially. Its hard needing help, and accepting the fact you cant do anything to help yourself. I feel constant guilt, that i put so much stress on him. I can’t drink anymore.. nor do i have the same upbeat energry. I always suck it up and go out but usually have to leave early from sharp pains or exhaustion. I feel selfish.
With crohns, comes depression. BAD. I feel worthless losing everything, knowing i will be sick the rest of my life, with a progressive painful disease that is taking over my body.. That i may not be able to have children, that i will have surgeries and more hospital stays.. that there will be more complications.. that i may get cancer. Its hard admitting and accepting that i have to get disability. I want to work SO BAD. But my body isn’t capable of it.. I want to finish college.. and be able to be a great wife & better mother. Its like im scared of tomorrow, scared of living life like this, scared of what ifs.. scared of the definites. I just feel defeated.
I’ve lost jobs, and friends.. Nobody wants to just sit around.. I get very lonely, and have a horrible self esteem. I just want to enjoy being 21.. to love life again. I cry, everyday.. i pray even more. i ask my boyfriend daily if hes sure he wants to stay through this..and he still tells me everyday, hes here to stay and will marry me one day :) thank god for him !
But i do have a endoscopy scheduled for Thursday. Hoping they find its gotten worse, so they can start treating me better.. so i dont feel crazy, so i can get help ! I see all these people with crohns getting the help im begging for. Im honestly scared i’m going to die. Its that bad.. I feel like im slowly dying.. more everyday. That my bodys shutting down, not working.. giving up. I need some will power. i need to believe i can find remission.
I refuse to let my disease control my life. It already dictates what I eat and requires me to take a shitload of medication everyday.
I will NOT let it stop me from doing what I love - studying, working out, having fun. Tonight I decided to ignore my tummy pains, and I went and ran my 5kms that I wanted to. And I feel fucking amazing because I ran faster and harder than I have in a very long time.
Fuck Crohns.
I need to be as positive as you; crohns is killing me.
When it hurts to look back, and you’re afraid to look ahead, look besides you, and there’s your best friend
