It’s been so long since I just felt good. No stomach aches, no immediate pain from even the smallest attempt at consuming food. Without throwing up, or exhaustion that feels like a truck ran me over. Without pain that I can literally feel from the roots of my falling out hair, to tip of my frozen toes. I feel trapped in a body that wants nothing but to destroy itself. I’m sick of the bags under my eyes, the paleness in my face & constantly worrying about committing to anything in fear of being too sick to come through on. I hate it when people mention how sick I look, or people telling me there sorry. I’m not looking for pitty, or sympathy. Just some understanding. Understanding that I have limitations. That somedays no matter how much I coach myself or try to get out of bed, it’s impossible. That being a 22 year old doesn’t make me a “normal” 22 year old. I can’t drink, I tired out from the dullest things. That as much as I want to go out and watch you get wasted that I’m far too sick to. That I don’t chose to work but not make plans with friends. That being sick means missing work and it makes it that much harder to pay my bills. That my pride is far too great and my stubborn ways will not let you help me in any way. That I don’t have time for drama, I’m too drained to deal with the nonsense. That I will not chase anyone and will try my best to not depend on or need anyone cause people leave. Everyone leaves eventually but being an irritable, tired sick person makes it that much easier to be walked out on. Believe me, I’ve lost my closest friends, jobs I worked so hard for because of this sickness. Anything I work hard for, that I hold onto so tightly is always somehow ripped away from me. Excuse me if I’m irritable, or get emotional. I can’t handle being this sick everyday. I can’t imagine dealing with me, cause I can hardly deal with myself.
It’s the hardest struggle being sick everyday. I sometimes cry, okay I cry alot. It’s not something I can handle. I get lost in the reoccurring fatigue, throwing up and constant pain. I forget this illness is something I have not who I am. It’s a huge part of me and enables me to live a normal, healthy life. But I’m not just another patient at the specialists, I’m Sierra fucking Benton. I’m going to live my life to the fullest, to the best of my abilities. I was put here for a reason, given this battle for a reason.<3 #digestivediseasesawarenessweek
I never saw you coming and ill never be the same
I’ve always had boyfriends, even before I lost over 140lbs. I’ve dated assholes, guys who treated me like shit.. Used me .. Made me feel like I was never enough. Once I lost all my weight guys started coming around. They thought I was another girl they’d put on there belt of notches. I’ve been sick with Crohn’s disease for a few years. Deathly sick, to the point where I’ve lost jobs, had emergency surgeries and can barely eat or get out of bed most days. After a really bad break up and being so sick I was supposed to go on disability I went into remission. I got my independence back. Got three jobs.. Busted my ass. Guys came around and I didn’t want any part of it. I had an on going summer fling with someone that could make me cry one minute but put the biggest smile on my face when he walked in the room. He was the first guy who made me feel like I was too good for him but yet not go enough. I was so uninterested in anyone else and waited 5 months for him to grow up and give us a chance. Someone I new of for years started messaging me.. And making me laugh. I gave in and took up his offer for a night out. Little did I know he was going to be the one who saved me. My birthday came around and I started feeling sick again.. My bestfriend walked out on me and I was on my own. He made me laugh again, and made me forget about the Asshole I couldn’t go a day without missing or thinking about. Little did I know he’d now be my boyfriend I’m madly in love with. I always said it was going to take a strong man to love a woman like me. I had a serious surgery where I spent 3 days in hospital from complications with not one text from my bestfriends who just dropped me. But I woke up from surgery to his text. He gave a fuck when nobody else did. We began hanging out more. And for once someone had time for me. We laugh like we’re kids, and I’m more comfortable with him than I’ve ever been with anyone. There’s days I look like shit, cry in pain.. I lost a job I worked very hard for .. Lost having loads of money and he told me he will always take care of me. I’ve always been scared to be happy cause every thing else falls apart.. Like I’m not allowed to be happy. My disease came back, my friends left & I lost two of three jobs that were huge sources of income. He makes atleast a grand a week and just wants to take care of me.. Wants to take me places do things for me which is hard to let someone. On my sickest day laying on the couch with no makeup, pale face, bags under my eyes he told me he loved me.. When I looked my worse. He tells me a million times a day.. Kisses me every morning before work.. Texts me and always wants me go stay over. He understands I’m sick.. And worries and doesn’t mind laying on the couch or dealing with me looking and feeling a mess. I’ve never felt so blessed her guilty. I finally have the person I never new I needed. I see a future with him. He’s my redneck and he’s completely stolen my heart. For once even this sick I feel like I’m enough. Like someone loves to have me, needs me and is proud to have me. He talks about kids.. Marriage getting our own place. I’m finally giving my heart what it deserves. I’m happy and it’s the way feeling. Everything else is shit but with him I can get through anything. I truly believe he’s going to be the man I spend the rest of my life with, even if its only been a short time. Sometimes someone walks in and makes you realize why it never worked with anyone else. He did.
"" I think all we really want is to feel needed, to feel wanted. That our presence important. That our absence wouldn’t go unnoticed. That someone’s life would be totally shaken up & they’d be completely lost without us. Yea, I think that we need to know we’ve impacted atleast one persons life enough that even if they could never admit out loud that we were more than enough. "
#my own words
- Sierra Benton"
Its nice to see that you decided to take control of your life and become a beautiful young women that inspires other girls to strive to become a happy Individual that is comfortable with there body
Wow, thank you !
Your future is bright and I know you"ll find someone that'll treat you the way you deserve to be treated
Thank you so much